I Did It!!!!

     

     Three summers ago when my best friend Liz, her two sons Jacob and Liam, my daughter Emilie, her friend Niki and I travelled to Italy, I was not able to climb to the top of the Duomo because I was recovering from a fractured ankle.  Instead of being able to enjoy the breathtaking views of Florence from the top of the cupola, I laid down beside the Duomo and had a nap resting my head on a backpack.  It took so much energy just to hobble about the city that I didn't care what I looked like as I fell fast asleep.  To be honest, I was quite happy to not be able to climb the 463 steps to the top, as I am claustrophobic and have such a fear of heights that I do not even step up onto a chair.  I don't know how long it took them all to climb to the top, but lets just say that I was well rested when I was awoken by my daughter saying, "Mom, there is no way you could have done that!".  They proceeded to each take a turn telling me about their airless quest up very narrow, steep and winding steps.  Something that I was glad to have had an excuse to have missed.  Just listening to them recounting their claustrophobic journey gave me chest pains.  

     When I decided to come back to Florence, one of the things that I have been determined to do is to see Florence from above.  I have been stewing about it for weeks.  Just the thought of the climb triggers this feeling in my chest as if someone is standing on it, and my stomach is overtaken with butterflies.  Crazy, I know, but that is what tight spaces and height does to me.  I was going to wait until friends arrived to make the climb, as I thought if I went into a panic attack they could talk me back to sanity, but this week I decided this was a journey that I needed to do right now and on my own.  I needed to prove to myself that  I could do it.  After all, this trip is all about growing and coming to feel comfortable with what normally is uncomfortable for me.  I replayed time and time again throughout the week the wise words spoken to me by Liz when I was planning my trip.  I had called her in a panic because my departure date was approaching fast, and it felt like there was so much to do and many things were out of my control.  When I said to her, "I think I am in a panic because there is so much to do that it feels out of control and I like to feel in control",  she chuckled and said, "No, not you".  She then went on to say, "That is one of the points of this trip isn't it.  To come to feel comfortable with not always having to be in control, and to trust that things will just work out".  She was right.  My life had been so chaotic for so many years that the only way that I felt that I could in any way protect myself, and to feel safe, was to feel in control.  I need to come to trust again, and to feel safe, with just being in the moment and not worrying about everything bad that could potentially happen.  Liz, the one person in the world who always knows instinctually exactly what I need to hear, reminded me that my trip was about living life one moment at a time, and just trusting that I would be okay.    

     So with her words in mind, I set out.  While I didn't take an anti-anxiety pill on the way, I do think it was divine intervention that I passed the chocolate festival that is here in Florence this weekend.  As I walked through the festival I was offered a shot of pistachio chocolate liqueur.  While it was only noon I thought that I could use a little bit of assistance to calm the anxiety that was trying its best to take hold of me.  Then I was offered a shot of lemon chocolate liqueur.  I thought one shot for my chest pains, and one for my nervous stomach. 

     Even with the calming effect of the chocolate liqueurs, the closer I got to the Duomo the tighter my chest felt.  And the butterflies in my stomach felt like they had turned into  birds.  I stopped just outside the entrance, took several take deep breathes, looked up and said to myself,  "I CAN DO THIS!!!!!".   

     As I entered into the claustrophobic airless staircase I began the winding ascent.  As my heart pounded I focused less on the walls, with the hope of avoiding feeling that everything was closing in on me, and more on the narrow steep steps.  As I looked at the steps I began to think, this step is for the devastation of finding out that the man that I had married and shared a life with since the age of seventeen lived a whole secret life for our entire marriage, this step was for the lies of the past several years, this step was for the betrayals, this step was for all that frightened me during the past 10 years, this step was for all the sleepless nights, this step was for not being able to give my children the childhood that I dreamed for them, this step was for the years of turmoil and abuse, this step was for all the tears shed, this step was for all the stress that I had to endure........Winding around and around, I took one step at a time until finally I took the last step for letting go of a life that for the past 10 years has been full of so much heartache and conflict.

     Finally, I saw the bright light of the sun.  While I have often joked with my friends that if they ever see the light don't go to it, this time I figured it was okay to go to the light.  As I stepped onto the circular terrace I realized that I no longer felt the weight on my chest, or the butterflies in my stomach.  What I felt was peace.  Despite climbing 463 steps, and passing many people that had stopped to catch their breathe, I did not feel worn out.  I felt invigorated.  I looked out with a smile at Florence from above.  I stood proud of myself for not letting my fears stop me from experiencing this moment.  After sitting for a while and just enjoying the beauty of Florence and the hills of Tuscany in the distance, I started back down the steps no longer feeling like I had the weight of the world standing on my chest and having come to terms with that sometimes to experience happiness one has to trust in letting go.  As I made my way down the steps, I thought of the words of another very dear friend.  He recently said to me, "Have faith".  I responded to him that I do pray every day.  He said, "You pray, but with what you have been through you struggle with truly having faith.  You need to let go and have faith".  

     My daughter, Emilie, was right when she told me 3 years ago that I could not have climbed the steps to the top of the Duomo.  Even if I did not have a fractured ankle, I am sure that my fear of the unknown ahead of me would have caused me to turn back, but I am stronger now.  And I am ready for happiness to return to my life.  As I let go of my fears and anxieties, I make room for faith that happiness will find its way back into my life.