Just being is something that I struggle with. If I am not doing something purposeful then I feel anxious. Even when I am "relaxing" on the terrace I am usually gardening, sweeping, mopping or studying from my dreaded Italian books; often accomplishing all of the above in one "relaxing" afternoon. My friends, who have no trouble sitting on the terrace with the only purposeful thing they are doing is sipping a glass of wine, know not to challenge me anymore to come and just sit. I am who I am.
The other day I was thinking about why I am this way. It gets a little crazy sometimes. Even when watching a favourite television program I will be cleaning baseboards. My friends shake their heads as they have never cleaned their baseboards, meanwhile anyone can randomly run their fingers across mine, or the tops of doors, and they will not find dust. Last summer it really hit home when Liz arrived for a visit and within 10 minutes I had my trusty Swifter vacuum going. She lovingly, but firmly, told me that given that there was going to be 5 of us in my small apartment I "had to get a grip". I did pretty well the rest of their visit; only begging them once to all go out so that I could "do my thing" and bring order back to my world.
I think I have trouble just being because for so many years I was thrust from one crisis to another, not of my own doing. Many days I woke up in fear of what I would have to face in the day. Trying to navigate my way through a messy and traumatic divorce, while at the same time raising two children and working left very little time for sleep, let alone being able to take a moment to just breathe. It seemed like there was always something that I had to do just to keep my head above water, so I wonder if now I feel like I have to be doing something or I will drown.
As I have worked on reclaiming my life, setting boundaries about what I am capable of doing and assertively going after my own happiness, I have gotten much better at taking time just for me. While it still feels like a battle that I have to consciously wage, I am determined to win this battle and get to a place where I feel at peace just being.
In my quest for this I booked a date with myself on a Wednesday afternoon when I did not really have to do anything. Yes I could have told myself that there were any number of things on my "To Do" list that I could have done, the reality was there was nothing that absolutely had to be done. As I run back into Florence from the countryside each day I tell myself that I never want to take it for granted that I live in such a beautiful city that is so rich in history and culture. As I look down from the hills at the Duomo and the Palazzo Vecchio I often find myself taking a deep sigh of gratitude for what is before me. Even now as I write this I have the joy of experiencing the bells of the Duomo ringing in the background. I never want to take my beautiful city for granted, so that quiet Wednesday afternoon I decided to go on a date with just me and Florence.
It was a cheap date, which is one of the things that I love about Florence. You do not have to spend a lot of money to experience an absolutely glorious day or evening. It is funny how simplicity can sometimes give rise to the best experiences. My date started off with a panini from my favourite little sandwich shop. For 2.50 euros you can experience a sandwich that bursts of flavour as you bite into it, and it is served with just the right amount of flirting from the owner, otherwise known as "sexy sandwich guy". From there I spent two hours just walking around Florence, not knowing where I would go and with absolutely no agenda. I just let my feet take me wherever they wanted to go. I will say though that I was happy to find myself standing in front of my favourite gelatoria after walking 2 hours in 40 degree heat. I threw caution to the wind and for 1.50 euros had a little taste of heaven, otherwise known as mousse ciocolatto. After all what is a date without a little treat. It is a good thing that I do not live next door to this gelatoria or I would have to be running up more hills. It is one of those tasty treats that is best out of sight because otherwise you could never resist it. While I see people taking packs of gelato home to their freezer, I would never dare to do that. I know there is a limit to my strength and I am not prepared to test the limit with yummy gelato easily available in my freezer.
I enjoyed my date with Florence. Like most first dates it felt a little awkward in the beginning, but as I gave myself permission to enjoy the quiet afternoon I found myself really having a good time just being. My new goal - when Liz and friends come in September I will not take my Swifter out for at least 48 hours.
